


wait on your porch til you come back home

by villiageidiot



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-07
Updated: 2011-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-06 05:47:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/732124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/villiageidiot/pseuds/villiageidiot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine's lost and Kurt waits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wait on your porch til you come back home

"You need to think about your relationship good and hard," Blaine's mother tells him two weeks before graduation.

Blaine doesn't understand her at first. "We have," he says. "We're both prepared for high cell phone bills."

"I'm not joking around," she says. "He's going to be in New York, Blaine. You'll be in _Ohio_. You need to think about all of the ways you'll be holding him back. Think of all of the opportunities he'll be missing."

"What?" he asks. He feels a little blindsided.

"You've never been a selfish person," she answers, "so why start now."

:::

He calls Kurt later than night. "My mom thinks we should break up," he tells Kurt as he lies in bed and stares at the ceiling.

"Yeah, I've been hearing that, too," he replies and Blaine notices how nonchalant he sounds. It doesn't sound like he's faking it, either.

And then Kurt's talking about something else and Blaine's forced to drop it.

:::

"I met your mother in college," Blaine's dad tells him over the weekend. Blaine thinks it sounds like a condolence.

:::

"You're going to have to do it sooner or later," his mother says the next day. "If you keep putting it off, it's only going to make it harder for both of you. Kurt deserves better than that."

Blaine wonders what it says about her as a mother that she's more concerned with Kurt's well-being that she is her own son's.

:::

"What should we do about this?" Blaine asks Kurt over the phone.

"About what?" Kurt asks. "I can't always follow your train of thought, you know."

He sounds light and teasing and Blaine tries to memorize the sound of his voice before he doesn't get to hear it anymore.

"This breakup thing," he clarifies.

"What breakup thing?" Kurt asks, genuinely confused.

Blaine pauses. "You said that people were telling you that we should break up before college, didn't you?" It stings to know that Burt's not on their side about this; he always thought Burt's support of the two of them meant that he actually _liked_ the fact that Blaine was dating his son. So he tries not to think about it.

"Yeah," Kurt says slowly. "So?"

Blaine doesn't know what to say next but as he's thinking about it, Kurt makes a sound in between a cough and a choke. "Oh my god, you were actually serious. You want to break up."

"No," he argues. "That's not what I said."

"Then what _are_ you saying?" he asks, voice tight.

"I'm just saying that everyone seems to have an opinion on it and maybe we should think about it." Blaine realizes that he's basically trying to talk Kurt into a breakup and it makes him feel sick.

"Think about it?" Kurt says, voice high. "I told you what my dad said because we tell each other these things, Blaine. I didn't tell you as a segue into a breakup!"

Blaine sighs. He wants to take everything back already and he hasn't even gotten to the hard part. He wants to ask his mother why the hell he has to do this because it doesn't make any sense.

"Don't tell me to think about it. _You_ think about it," Kurt spits out. "Think about how you'll feel when I start dating someone new. Think about missing Friday night dinners with my family. Think about _not being with me_."

Kurt hangs up on him and Blaine's not even slightly surprised.

:::

Burt finds Blaine sitting in an empty classroom an hour before graduation starts. He claps Blaine on the shoulder and looks him in the eye.

"I know it feels hard now, Blaine. I know that it feels like you might not get past it."

Blaine stares at him blankly.

"It's good for you two," he says. "It doesn't look like that now but in the long run, this is good for both of you."

Blaine still doesn't say anything.

"I know Kurt doesn't see it yet so I appreciate you trying to do right by him."

Blaine thinks they have a different opinion on what's right for Kurt.

"You're going to have to be the strong one here," he tells Blaine.

:::

Kurt doesn't speak to him until after graduation.

He walks up to Blaine with his blue graduation gown sort of billowing around him, fist clenched firmly around his cap.

"Are you serious about this?" he asks Blaine, face tight.

Blaine doesn't say anything because what the hell can he even say? Everything he wants to do is everything they're telling him _not_ to do.

"So this is for real," Kurt clarifies. "You're legitimately breaking up with me."

"It's for the best, Kurt," he says. "I'm trying to make you happy."

"Happy," he echoes blankly. "I don't feel happy, Blaine. I feel devastated."

He walks away without a backwards glance and Blaine thinks about finding Burt and asking him to explain _in great detail_ why this is supposed to be good for them.

:::

Blaine starts college feeling miserable. It's supposed to be the best time of his life, the best four years, they tell him.

Instead, he wakes up every morning and remembers that he's in love and heartbroken and alone and that he can't do anything about it. He practices trying to picture his life without Kurt because he's never had to think about it before. From the second he stepped through the double doors after his Dalton transfer, Blaine never thought about what his life would be like without Kurt in it because he didn't know it was something he'd have to deal with someday.

:::

Finn shows up to his dorm room a month into the semester.

"None of the stories are true, you know," he tells Blaine. "I don't know what you've been hearing or what pictures you've seen but I wanted to let you know that none of it's true. I'm not sure why he's doing it, why he's telling everyone all of these things and making it sound like he's having the time of his life."

Blaine knows why, though. Kurt's still angry. Kurt wants Blaine to hurt like he's hurting and Blaine can't work up the courage to call and tell him that he _is_ hurting but they won't let him do anything about it.

:::

Blaine gets an email from Kurt and all it says is, _Look, Blaine, I agreed to a breakup. I didn't agree to let you pretend that I never existed._

Blaine writes back immediately. _I'm sorry,_ is all he types. He doesn't say that anything will change, though, and Kurt never emails him back.

:::

Kurt stops by his house over Thanksgiving break. He doesn't seem angry; he seems quiet and sad.

His mother lets him in and gives Blaine a hard look.

"I thought I'd stop by," Kurt says. "I haven't talked to you in months."

He sounds terrible and Blaine has to clench his fists in order to prevent himself from reaching out to pull him into a hug.

"Hi," Blaine says weakly.

Kurt stares at him. "You look miserable. Why are you doing this?"

Blaine shakes his head and looks away because he thinks he might cry if Kurt keeps looking at him like that.

"I don't get you," Kurt says, still sounding sad. Blaine hears him head towards the door but he doesn't look back up until he hears it close.

:::

He sits on his bed and stares at the wall.

"He seems upset," his mother says as she comes in. For a second, Blaine thinks she's going to apologize for asking him to do this. Instead she tells him that maybe he needs to try a little harder to encourage Kurt to move on.

He looks at his mother and feels blindsided all over again.

Blaine listens to every word she says but all he can take from it is that she knows he's hurting but she's going to need for him to hurt a little more.

:::

Rachel calls him after he gets back to school. She's angry.

"He's the best thing that ever happened to you," she says. "I don't know what's going on in your head but I hope you get it together before it's too late."

He doesn't answer and she hangs up with an irritated sigh.

:::

Even though he lives three buildings over, Finn keeps stopping by Blaine's dorm almost once a week.

"He doesn't believe me when I say you're unhappy. He says he doesn't understand your logic. I never know what to tell him."

"Why are you doing this, Finn?" he asks. "Why do you keep coming by?"

He shrugs. "You seem lonely."

Blaine shakes his head. "I don't know why you're doing this for me."

"I'm not," he says, not unkindly. "I'm doing this for my brother."

:::

He helps his mother in the kitchen on Christmas Eve.

"You look like you're doing well," she tells Blaine. He doesn't understand her definition of _doing well._

"It looks like you're letting each other grow," she continues.

He's confused because never once did he think he and Kurt were holding each other back. He never thought they were _stagnant_ and he can't figure out what makes his mother think that.

Blaine doesn't say anything back; it's a skill he's been developing.

:::

Blaine goes to a party New Year's Eve. He doesn't really want to be around people but he wants to be around his mother even less.

"You look terrible," Wes says as he lets him in. "Good god, Blaine."

He shrugs. "I haven't been sleeping well."

"Right, okay," Wes says skeptically. "Here, have some champagne. I think you could use it."

Blaine temporarily forgets that he swore off alcohol and he's several glasses in when he sees Kurt walk through the door.

They eye each other from across the room and Blaine grabs another flute of champagne.

:::

"This is weird to say," Jeff is telling him, sounding a little slurred but not much worse than Blaine feels. "But I always thought you two were long-haul."

Blaine looks around quickly to make sure Kurt's not anywhere in the vicinity to hear.

"Yeah," Nick agrees. "I thought you two were totally going to be some old married couple."

"Keep it down," Blaine hisses. "I don't want to talk about this."

"Yeah what's with that, by the way?" Nick asks. "No one even knows why you two broke up."

"It's complicated," he answers. "And I don't want to talk about it." He grabs a few more flutes and wonders how long it is until midnight.

:::

Kurt corners him sometime around eleven, not that Blaine's able to tell time at that point.

"Why are you here?" Blaine asks him. They're alone in a hallway and Blaine feels claustrophobic.

"Because Wes invited me," Kurt answers, hurt.

"Why don't you hate me?" Blaine asks suddenly.

Kurt watches him.

"I would hate me," he continues.

"Because I love you, that's why," Kurt answers. "The two are mutually exclusive."

Blaine shakes his head like he's trying to clear his thoughts. "This is so hard. I hate it."

"Then why are you _doing_ it?" he asks. "Help me understand."

"I don't know," Blaine says miserably. "Because it's good for us, apparently."

"Look at me," Kurt says softly. "Does it look good for us?"

:::

Blaine doesn't remember much else. He remembers cupping Kurt's face and kissing him hard at midnight. He remembers Kurt pushing him away after a few moments and then pulling him outside where it was quiet.

"I'm not doing this while you're drunk," he informs Blaine. "So look at me."

Blaine swallows and looks at him.

"I'm going to make it so easy for you, Blaine. All you have to do is call me tomorrow morning when you're sober. Just call, that's it, that's all I need for you to do. I can't make it any easier. We can fix all of this tomorrow if you just _call me."_

Blaine nods, head spinning.

He doesn't call.

:::

"What's that?" Finn asks him, pointing to a sweater draped over his desk chair.

"A sweater," he answers, knowing full well where this is going.

Finn stares at him. "Doesn't really look like your style," he says simply.

When he doesn't answer, Finn raises an eyebrow. "I can give it back to him for you."

"No," Blaine says quickly.

Finn hums knowingly and Blaine hates himself for not making it easier for anyone like he promised he would do.

:::

 _I hear you have one of my sweaters_ , Kurt sends in an email. _Don't throw it away._

Blaine stares at his computer screen, not sure what to do. _I would never do that,_ is all he sends.

An hour later, he gets another email. _I still have two of your shirts. If you need them, I'll give them to Finn but if you don't, I'm taking good care of them._

Blaine doesn't send a response because any answer he gives is too loaded with meaning.

:::

He logs onto Facebook even though he swore he wouldn't. Facebook tells him that Kurt is still single.

Facebook also tells him that he has a message from Kurt. It was sent three days after New Year's.

_I wish you would have called me, Blaine. I'm not surprised you didn't, though. I don't even know what to expect from you anymore._

_I wish you made it easier to love you. I wish you loved me back. I know that you do but I wish it was easier to remember because sometimes you make it so easy for me to forget. I wish that you were here and I wish that I was there. I wish we could go out to dinner over spring break and say "Wow, two years. We've been together for two years. Isn't that amazing?" I wish I had some way of knowing that this isn't easy for you but at the same time, I don't want you to be hurting like I'm hurting. I wish you would tell me that you miss being with me and more importantly I wish that you actually do miss being with me. I wish I could go out on a date and not feel like I'm cheating on you. I wish so many things, Blaine._

_This is not how I want to remember us._

:::

Blaine thinks about forwarding the message to his mother and calling her to ask, "What the hell do you know?"

:::

Rachel calls during exam week.

"Why don't you ever answer my calls?" she asks.

"I'm tired, Rachel," he says. "Are you going to lecture me and tell me that I'm an awful person again? Because I'm exhausted and I'd like to take a raincheck."

It's the most he's said to anyone in awhile and she's so startled that she's almost speechless.

"You're not an awful person," she says finally. "You're a good person that makes really dumb decisions."

He sighs.

"How's Kurt?" he asks, because she's the only person that will actually answer him.

"He's fine," she answers, wary. "He's a big boy, Blaine. He sounds a lot better than you do, to be honest."

Blaine shrugs. He's not exactly surprised.

:::

Blaine gets out of class to see he has a missed call and a voicemail. He's confused because Kurt never leaves a voicemail. Blaine's immediately nervous.

"God, I'm such idiot," Kurt's message starts. "This whole time I've just been _waiting_. I thought you'd come around and get your shit together and just come _back._ I never thought you'd actually move on. I -- I didn't see that coming, I really really didn't, Blaine. I'm so _stupid._

I just -- how are you done with this? How did you get over me?"

The message ends and Blaine stares at his phone, eyes wide. He's not sure what any of that really meant or what Kurt's heard or who he's heard it from or anything he's talking about really, but Blaine's smart enough to know that this is his opportunity to make Kurt move on, to really put the final nail in the coffin, if he could just run with it and _lie_ and confirm everything Kurt's freaking out about. But he's as selfish as his mother thought he'd be and he can't bring himself to do it.

 _I'm not and I didn't_ , Blaine texts him. _I swear to you, Kurt._

:::

Kurt calls him on a Friday night around midnight and Blaine answers even though he promised himself he never would.

"I've met someone," Kurt tells him when Blaine picks up and immediately his stomach bottoms out. He's feels sick and realizes that it's not a sensation people make up; he genuinely knows that as soon as he's gets off the phone, he's going to be sick.

When Blaine doesn't say anything, Kurt sighs. "Is that okay with you?"

"What?" Blaine asks.

"Is that okay with you?" Kurt repeats.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean how does it make you _feel?"_

"It makes me feel terrible," he answers before he can stop himself.

"Why?" Kurt asks softly.

"Because I love you and I don't want you to be in love with someone that isn't me." He knows it sounds selfish but his verbal filter isn't working.

Kurt sighs again. "Then why can't that be reason enough for you?"

Blaine doesn't answer.

"I don't have too much pride to admit this, Blaine: the second you ask me to take you back, I will."

"Kurt," he sighs.

When Blaine doesn't say anything else, Kurt says, "Goodnight, Blaine," and then the line goes dead.

:::

Mercedes calls him over spring break and he's beyond surprised to hear from her because it's obvious that Kurt would win her in the breakup. Kurt is one of his favorite people in the world and if the situation was different, he knows _he'd_ choose Kurt, too.

They get coffee and she won't answer any of his questions when he asks about Kurt. He asks how he's doing and if he's okay and who he's dating. She doesn't say much and before they leave, she tells him to call Kurt. "If you want to know how he is, then call him. He'll answer the phone. He's been ready to answer the phone for awhile now," she says.

Blaine still doesn't call.

:::

On what would have been their anniversary, Blaine sends a one word text saying _hey._

Kurt sends one back a few hours later: _I miss you._

Blaine's choked up at Kurt's constant, blatant honesty. He doesn't understand why Kurt's still fighting for this when Blaine feels like he just rolled over and played dead.

:::

Burt calls him and Blaine thinks that it's even weirder than hearing from Mercedes because it goes without saying that Kurt wins his family after the breakup. Blaine sort of hates himself, though, and doesn't even want anyone to be on his side anyway.

"I was wrong," Burt says over the phone. "I'll be the first to admit that."

"Okay," Blaine replies but he doesn't really know what Burt's talking about.

"If this was the right thing to do, he'd be okay by now. But he's not past it yet and it makes me think that we all made the wrong decision."

It's not the first time that someone's told Blaine that he made a big mistake but he's surprised nonetheless when he hears it coming from Kurt's father. He wonders if this means he can fix it now.

He calls his mother to tell her about the phone call with Burt but before he gets a chance to say anything, she tells him she's proud of him for being so strong and not letting Kurt throw his future away by dragging him down.

It's a terrible thing to say and Blaine feels hopeless all over again.

:::

Kurt calls and once again, Blaine can't stop himself from answering.

"I was lying to you, Blaine," he says immediately. "There isn't anyone else."

"What?" Blaine asks because it doesn't make any sense.

"I was trying to make you see that you still love me. I was trying to manipulate you and I'm sorry."

Blaine doesn't know how to respond. "Why are you telling me this?" he asks.

Kurt sighs. "It didn't work, obviously. And I kept telling myself that I wouldn't but I'm giving up, Blaine. It's too hard to still be in love with you."

"I'm sorry," he apologizes.

Kurt knows that he's apologizing for everything else but he's not trying to undo the breakup. Kurt knows that it's not his way of asking if Kurt will take him back.

:::

Finn tries to get through to him. He shows up again and makes himself comfortable on Blaine's desk chair.

"I know I'm usually slow on the uptake," Finn tells him, "but it seems like everyone else is confused, too, so I keep thinking that this time, maybe it's not just me."

"It's complicated," Blaine tells him as he takes a seat on his bed and refuses to look Finn in the eye.

"I want to hear exactly why you think you're not supposed to be together," Finn says when Blaine's silent for too long.

"I told you; it's complicated," he repeats.

"Explain it to me, then."

And for some reason, Blaine can't remember the reasons right away.

"He has to have dozens of options," Blaine says instead. "I don't understand why he's still single."

Finn gives him a pointed look. "I don't, either," he answers honestly.

:::

He gets drunk every once in awhile because it seems like what every college kid is supposed to. When he does, he gives his phone to his roommate and instructs him to hold on to it no matter what Blaine says.

Blaine knows that the very first thing he would do is call Kurt and beg him, actually _beg him_ , to help him end the whole charade. He'd tell Kurt over and over that he loves him and that he's not being melodramatic when he says that he always _always_ will.

The second thing he would do is call his mother and ask her why she's ruining his life.

:::

"He's actually trying to move on this time," Rachel informs him when she calls. "I never thought he would try but he really is."

"Oh," Blaine responds because he maybe thought that Kurt had been trying to get over him the whole year and he wonders why he's just starting now.

"Don't let him succeed," Rachel warns him. "Because he eventually will and you'll be miserable the rest of your life."

Blaine feels immediately guilty when he thinks about Kurt being miserable for an entire year. It doesn't make any sense that he's doing all of this to make Kurt happy when it sounds like Kurt is so so unhappy.

He wants to call his mother to see if she can tell him what that's supposed to mean.

:::

He texts Kurt and knows it's horribly selfish. _Why aren't you over me yet?_ he sends.

He only has to wait a few minutes for a response. _Are you over me?_

 _No_ , Blaine tells him even though he knows it's probably the last thing he's supposed to say.

_Then why should I be any different?_

Blaine doesn't know how to respond and he knows he's already done enough damage.

 _I don't get you_ , Kurt texts three hours later.

Blaine thinks about telling him that he doesn't understand himself anymore but he doesn't.

:::

It's almost summer when he calls Kurt. He sounds completely surprised to see Blaine's name on his caller ID.

"Are you okay?" Kurt asks when he answers.

Blaine feels guilty all over again when he realizes that Kurt expects him to call only if he's _not okay._

"What would you do if I asked you to take me back?"

Kurt's silent and then gives a sad sigh. "Is this a rhetorical question?" he asks. "Because I think I've already told you what I would do if it was an actual question."

Blaine can tell from his tone that Kurt doesn't sound the least bit hopeful that that's what Blaine's asking. He feels responsible for making Kurt so pessimistic because there's no way that he'd be like that if Blaine wasn't such a selfish, awful person.

"You told me months ago what you would do," Blaine says. "I'm asking about right now."

Kurt sighs again. "It would be the same answer, Blaine. It'll be the same answer next year, too. And the next one after that."

"Why?"

"Because I love you. That's not something people just get over. Although you've been doing a good job of proving me wrong."

Blaine thanks him for being honest. Kurt says, "Goodnight, Blaine."

:::

Blaine calls back three minutes later and can't believe that Kurt actually answers.

"Everyone tells me that you're trying to get over me," Blaine says before Kurt can hang up.

"I'm trying," Kurt agrees. "But I also told everyone that I wouldn't make any guarantees that it'll work."

"I am so in love with you," Blaine tells him and he's not sure why he chose that exact moment to admit it.

Kurt's quiet.

"I can't believe how much sometimes. It feels like _too_ much. The idea of you loving someone else is the most painful feeling I've ever had and it makes me _terrified._ "

"Are you drunk?" Kurt asks finally.

"No," he says, "and god, it sucks that I've made you think that's the only reason I would be honest with you."

Kurt's quiet again. "I don't understand what's going on," he says. "What's going on?"

"I can't stand it anymore," he says. "I'm trying so hard to do what they all wanted me to but I can't do it anymore. And all of their reasons seem even more stupid now than they did a year ago."

"Call me tomorrow when you're sober," Kurt tells him dully and he hangs up before Blaine can swear he's not inebriated.

:::

He doesn't call back in the morning and he can practically hear Kurt's sigh of resigned disappointment.

Instead, he gets in his car and drives eleven hours until he's standing outside of Kurt's dorm room. He knocks and is almost bowled over at the sight of him.

Kurt blanches like he doesn't know what's happening.

"I want to win you back," he tells Kurt. "I've been trying to think of some grand gesture but I haven't thought of anything big enough yet."

Kurt blinks at him.

"I know you said you'd take me back in a second but I don't deserve that. We both know you deserve more that that."

"I don't care what either of us _deserve_ ," Kurt says finally, sounding a little breathless. "All I want is for you to love me again."

"I never stopped," Blaine insists. "I just stopped telling you."

:::

Blaine wakes up on Kurt's tiny twin bed and looks over to see Kurt sitting up and glaring at him.

"I just got off the phone with my dad, Blaine. He said to tell you he's _sorry_."

"Okay?" Blaine's not awake enough to follow the conversation.

"You broke up with me because our parents told you to?" His voice is high and Blaine knows he's treading dangerous ground.

He doesn't say anything but Kurt waits him out and raises an eyebrow.

"They said it was good for us," he explains. "They told me it was what I should do for you."

Kurt stares at him. "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response." And then: "You know what, never mind, I will: Are you _kidding_ me, Blaine? You let this go on all _year_? You never thought about maybe letting me in on it?"

"They told me it was good for you. I tried so hard to stand by it." He throws his arms up weakly and says, "Looks like I failed."

Kurt glares at him some more. "I hate you," he says, no heat behind it. "I hate you so much."

"I don't think you do," Blaine says with a smile and good god, it feels so good to be able to laugh with Kurt and to see him smile again.

"You're calling your mother," Kurt instructs. "You are calling her before you leave and you're telling her -- you're saying -- okay, well I don't know what you're telling her yet but you're saying _something_ and it's going to be strongly worded."

Blaine shrugs and agrees because he honestly couldn't care less what his mother thinks anymore.

:::

"I thought about you all of the time," Blaine whispers as they lie on Kurt's tiny twin bed. "I'd go to class and eat lunch and get coffee with friends and study in the library but you were this constant hum in the background, all of the time, everywhere."

Later, as they're watching Kurt's tiny TV from Kurt's tiny bed, Blaine softly says, "I would do anything for you."

When they're falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon, he quietly admits, "You're the best part of me."

"I'm so so sorry," he keeps saying.

:::

"Stop saying that," Kurt laughs. "I don't care if you're sorry anymore. I believed you the first seven hundred times you said it."

Blaine smiles into Kurt's neck. "I don't want you to forget."

"Oh my god, you tell me every _hour_ so how could I possibly forget?"

Blaine shrugs, still smiling. They shift closer on the bed.

"What should I do?" Blaine asks after awhile. "How can I undo everything?"

Kurt hums and pretends to think it over. "You could stop apologizing."

"Done."

"You could stay right here in my bed for the rest of the weekend before you drive back."

"Also done."

"You can swear that you'll count down the days until I'm back in Ohio this summer and you can start as soon you get back to your dorm."

He laughs. "Done."

Kurt's quiet. "You can promise to run it by me before you decide to break up with me. You know, get a second opinion and all that."

"Done," he whispers. "And --"

"If you apologize, I swear to god, Blaine."

Blaine silent. And then: "I love you."

"And that," Kurt adds. "You can keep telling me that."


End file.
